Through the experiences of the mind and emotions, I have stumbled through a tumultuous life of intense suffering, trauma and pain. At times I didn’t think I could make it. I felt lost most of the time. I searched continuously for guidance and a Divine Intervention. I suffered from the “invisible” illnesses of mind and body which no one could see, and of which only a few openly talk about, but were as real as daylight to me, and impacted me on a daily basis.
At times I resigned myself to thinking that I was destined to be a punching bag for others, and so I simply waited for the blows of life to come. My body hurled, and curled, contracted, and reacted to the environment from a state of rage, terror and vengeance. The mind convinced me that the world and its inhabitants were indeed bad and evil and was constantly testing me and my reactions to confirm its sick games. It was under constant surveillance, waiting and expecting an attack. I was a great chameleon, shape shifting to fit the environment I was in; It has been exhausting to live in the body that I have, for just below the surface laid a tsunami of fury, a carefully hidden, ticking time bomb, wrecked with intense fears, anxiety, pain, anger, rage, and the secret pleasure of pain (vengeance), just waiting for the moment to explode.
Boom! The explosion came, but it wasn’t the one I was expecting. At my darkest hour, as I laid down praying to God to end me, and spare me from the suffering of life, a small light began to shine in the darkness. It came during one of my Clearing sessions, and began to shine brighter the more sessions I took. At first it was literally like finding or noticing a needle in a haystack, but it was enough of a crack to let the light in, to open the door of hope ever so slightly to reignite me ever so incrementally.
That little crack was all of the convincing I needed to make me thirst and hunger for more. Through patience, persistence and blind faith, I began to bring Clearing more and more into my life. I travelled endlessly for training in the US and Canada and I continued to receive sessions at the same time. The day came when the flood gates opened and the light shone brighter and brighter within me. I found God deep within the depths of hell at a time when I was prepared to end it all, to go to sleep gently into the night.
For me, once the mind and emotions had reached their limits, their only options was to end it all, to throw in the towel, to give up. That’s the only option they had. They had no other way.